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*originally posted April 5, 2016: kanekuinke @ tumblr


I Want to Disappear

 
Someone once said,
 
“Even if you have no memories of being loved, as long as you have memories of having loved, you can continue to live.”
 
 
 
……But for someone who has never been loved, I wonder how they could love someone else.
 
A child who did not receive the proper amount of love when they needed it
will for their entire life continue to gaze at the illusion of love, until they die, never understanding the way to love.
 
 
 
What about me, can I continue to live?
 
 
 
     I saw a corpse dragged by a truck’s wheels.
 
     The road seemed like it was scattered by spam.
     Cords like yellow spaghetti protruded from the cross-section.
 
 
 
     I saw internal organs bloom grotesquely.
 
     “Something like God certainly doesn’t exist,”
     is what I thought.
     There’s no way something like a soul dwells in such an ugly thing.
 
 
 
It seems “those words” will surely
reach a lot of people.
 
But they cannot sink down to the bottom of the ocean, a place where even light cannot reach.
 
We are like deep-sea fish,
growing disgusted by whatever we’re looking at,
our eyes completely degenerating.
 
 
 
Because we’ll die from being incapable of breathing on the surface,
we cannot leave this place.
 
 
 
We continue to drift at the bottom of the ocean.
 
 
 
A world without color
Isn’t scooped.*
 
 
 
     “These are just my thoughts, but
     I wonder if poems and meanings are meant to be dirtied?”
 


There’s possibly a pun in 掬い (to scoop) and 掬い (to save). The “scooping” could refer to the act of fishing or the game played during matsuri (金魚掬い). So an alternate reading could be “There isn’t salvation in a world without color.”

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